• Navigating Grief and Loss in Later Life

    As we journey through the tapestry of life, we find that with each thread comes both joy and sorrow. For many of us, the autumn of our years brings a unique set of challenges, especially when it comes to navigating grief and loss. It’s a landscape that can feel both familiar and uncharted, where the heart wrestles with the weight of memories and the void of absence.

    Grief is often portrayed as a linear process, but the truth is far more complex. In my own experiences—and as I observe the stories of those around me—grief feels more like waves that ebb and flow. It knits itself into the fabric of our everyday lives, coloring our moments with remnants of the past while also invoking hope for tomorrow.

    In later life, the loss of friends, family members, or even beloved pets can create a profound sense of isolation. The world may feel dimmer, quieter. Each photograph on the wall reminds us of joyful moments now tinged with nostalgia. Yet, it’s vital to remember that grief is natural and, in many ways, a testament to love. The deeper the bond, the greater the ache when that bond is severed.

    One of the most challenging aspects of navigating grief in later life is the societal expectation to ‘move on’ or ‘stay strong.’ But allow yourself to embrace the grief, to honor the memories. Don’t shy away from the emotions that surface; let them flow. It’s in these moments of vulnerability that healing begins. Whether through journaling, talking with loved ones, or seeking support from a therapist, acknowledging your feelings is a crucial step.

    It’s also important to find things that resonate with you. Some may find comfort in art, expressing their grief through painting, music, or writing. Others might seek connection with nature during solitary walks, allowing the world around them to provide comfort. Engaging in rituals, like lighting a candle or sharing stories with family, can further connect us to those we’ve lost. These small acts serve as powerful reminders that love transcends time and space.

    While grief can feel isolating, know that you are not alone. Many others share this path.Reaching out to others, including family, can provide unexpected comfort. Vulnerably sharing your memories and emotions can deepen relationships and create a shared understanding of loss. It’s often through these heartfelt stories of love, resilience, and hope that true bonds are formed.

    While the journey through grief is profound, it’s crucial to allow space for joy. This isn’t about forgetting those we’ve lost but embracing the richness of life that continues to unfold. It might start with simple pleasures—savoring a cup of tea, gardening, or even playing with a pet. Giving yourself permission to experience joy amid grief is not a betrayal of your loved ones; rather, it’s a celebration of the life they lived.

    As time unfolds, we craft new memories while cherishing the old. Traditions may evolve, but they should never dwindle. The tales, the laughter, the shared moments—they remain, painting our lives with vibrant hues even in the face of loss.

    Navigating grief and loss in later life is a deeply personal and often intricate journey. Embrace your emotions; nurture your connections; and, when you’re ready, allow yourself to rekindle joy. As the seasons of life change, so too does our relationship with grief—it becomes less a heavy anchor and more a gentle reminder of a love that remains.

    Remember, it’s perfectly okay to grieve, to miss, and to feel. Life is a beautiful, fragile tapestry, and every thread, even those woven with loss, contributes to the story that is uniquely yours. In the words of Rainer Maria Rilke, “Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final.” Embrace this journey, and in doing so, you honor both your heart and the hearts of those who have touched your life.

  • The Power of Words … and the Gift of Choice

    All relationships, even wonderful loving ones, occasionally have moments of disagreement.  During these times we may say something or hear something really hurtful.  Have you ever experienced this?  If you’re human, probably yes.  It’s part of the human condition that we will occasionally allow our closely-monitored “id” to emerge and blow our cover.  I like the way Sidney Poitier, in his memoir “The Measure of a Man” refers to a moment where he said something mean to his mother as “the darker side of me emerged”.  We all have this darker side, don’t we?

    This being a fact of life as a human, how do we avoid these hurtful words?  Or if we’ve let ourselves down by letting our darker side emerge, how can we recover ourselves and learn from the experience?

    One thing that is helpful to remember is that we should never make a major decision while we are in a negative mind state.  This can mean anything from angry, hurt, resentful, full of shame, despair, etc.  These states of mind use so much energy that it is nearly impossible to be rational and to make a clear decision.  Right after an argument is not the time to make a decision about the future of a relationship, for instance.  More often than not, the decisions we make during these times lead to regret down the road.  However, if we are patient and allow our emotional equilibrium to return we can use the resultant increased energy to step back and make an honest assessment of what happened and what (if anything) needs to be done.  Most of the time if we make the choice of no decision during times of crisis we can make much better decisions.  And often the thing that seemed so turbulent and insurmountable at the time is revealed to be just a small bump in the road.  We always have a choice of when and how to react.

    As a sensitive human being, I’ve always disagreed with the saying “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words may never hurt me”.  I’m sure everyone has a memory or two of when something someone said hurt so badly that they have never forgotten it.  Words absolutely have immense power, they can harm or they can heal.  A cruel word spoken during an argument can break a relationship, just as a kind word spoken with genuine love can mend or strengthen one.  Which feels better?  Again, we always have a choice about what we choose to say.  

    There will be times when we are incredibly angry at someone.  There will be times when we feel so passionately about something that we want to force our opinion on someone else.  And there will always be conflict of one type or another.  But we can learn to step back emotionally during these times and make a genuine effort to understand the other person, just as we would want them to do for us.  Each time we choose to use our words to heal instead of cause harm we change the world a tiny bit for the better.

  • Alzheimer’s Prevention – Dehydration

    This post is the first a series of posts about Preventing Alzheimer’s disease.  Here is a preview of what we will be covering in this series. Much of the information is based on The 4 Pillars of Alzheimer’s Prevention™, a well-researched program developed by the Alzheimer’s Research and Prevention Foundation (​https://alzheimersprevention.org/​) Please visit their website if you would like to learn more about ARPF’s research and mission.

    Upcoming Topics:

    Diet: In this section we will be covering the role of a healthy diet in preventing Alzheimer’s disease. I will be giving you specific information and will also be discussing supplements and nutrients that are helpful for prevention.

    Stress Management: Next we will cover how chronic stress can have detrimental effects on the brain and increase the risk of cognitive decline. We will be exploring the specifics behind why stress causes damage to the brain and will look at stress managing tools which improve brain function, enhance memory retention, and protect against neurodegeneration.

    Exercise: Next up is the role of physical activity. As you will see, the right type and amount of regular exercise plays a significant role in promoting the growth of new neurons, strengthening neural connections, reducing inflammation, and improving overall cognitive function.

    Cognitive Stimulation: Next we will discuss ways to keep your mind active through lifelong learning. Continuing to learn new things stimulates neural pathways and enhances cognitive reserve—the brain’s ability to withstand damage or changes associated with aging or diseases like Alzheimer’s.

    Research and outlook for the future: Lastly, I will be giving you an update of the latest research in Alzheimer’s prevention and treatment, including a promising new pharmacological treatment that could ultimately reverse neuron destruction and promote new neuron connections in the brain.

    This week’s topic is Dehydration

    If there was only one action that I could persuade everyone to take, it would be to DRINK ENOUGH WATER. Nearly all of our body’s major systems depend on water to survive. Dehydration is extremely common as we get older, as our sense of thirst declines and we actually can be dehydrated before we even feel thirsty.Dehydration also has a significant impact on how well the brain works. Research suggests that even mild dehydration can negatively affect brain performance, including attention, memory, and overall cognitive abilities. Most importantly, dehydration in older adults significantly increases the risk of development of Alzheimer’s disease and other types of dementia.

    Effects of Dehydration:

    Cognitive Performance

    A study published in The Journal of Nutrition revealed a clear association between hydration status and cognitive function. Researchers found that even minor fluid loss equivalent to 1-2% of body weight resulted in reduced attention span, slower reaction times, impaired short-term memory, and difficulty performing mental tasks accurately.

    Attention Span

    One of the primary cognitive functions affected by dehydration is attention span. When dehydrated, individuals tend to experience difficulty concentrating on tasks for extended periods. Their focus becomes compromised as they struggle to process information efficiently.

    Memory

    Another area heavily affected by dehydration is memory function. Proper hydration supports brain cell communication and ensures optimal nutrient delivery throughout different regions in the brain responsible for memory formation and retrieval processes. Mild dehydration disrupts these crucial processes leading to reduced short-term memory capacity. As a result, remembering important details or events becomes more challenging when dehydrated.

    Mental Fatigue

    Dehydration also contributes to mental fatigue, which further impairs decision-making skills. Studies indicate that inadequate water intake can lead to feelings of tiredness and decreased energy levels. Consequently, individuals may struggle with critical thinking skills required for complex problem-solving or decision-making tasks.

    How to Prevent Dehydration-Related Cognitive Decline

    To maintain optimal brain health and prevent impairment due to dehydration-induced cognitive decline consider making improvements in these areas of your daily routine:

    • Stay Hydrated: Make it a habit to drink water regularly throughout the day rather than waiting until you feel thirsty. Aim for at least eight 8-ounce glasses of water each day, more in the summer and/or when humidity is very low.
    • Monitor Your Fluid Intake: Pay attention to your urine color; if it appears dark yellow or amber-colored instead of pale yellow or clear – drink more water!
    • Limit Diuretic Beverages: Be mindful about consuming excessive diuretic beverages like coffee or alcohol since they have a dehydration effect on the body..
    • Increase Water-Rich Foods Consumption: Add water-rich fruits such as watermelon, cucumber and oranges alongside vegetables like lettuce into your diet as an additional source of hydration.

    This week’s strategy

    Try starting your day with a full glass of water. If you don’t like the taste of plain water, try adding a squeeze of lemon or a splash of unsweetened cranberry juice.

    I want you to keep in mind that prevention is not an all-or-nothing endeavor. Many times the overwhelming amount of information available keeps us from taking even the smallest step forward. Please know that any step you take forward is significant. It is small steps taken consistently over time that ultimately create results and change.

  • Alzheimer’s Prevention – Exercise

    In this blog post, I’ll discuss the critical importance of physical exercise for brain longevity.

    It has long been accepted that physical fitness benefits not only our bodies but also our brains and minds. Plato recognized this connection as early as 400 B.C., stating that a healthy body is necessary for a healthy brain. Throughout history, many great thinkers and leaders have emphasized the importance of exercise for overall health.

    Recent advancements in medical science have disproven the long-held belief that we stop making new brain cells at a young age. Neurogenesis, or the creation of new cells in the brain, can occur throughout our lives if we engage in activities that foster it. One such activity is physical exercise.

    Studies have shown that aerobic and strength-building exercises can directly stimulate the growth of new cells in the hippocampus region of the brain – an area responsible for memory, emotions, and spatial navigation. Regular physical exercise has been proven to reduce the risk of developing Alzheimer’s disease by up to 50 percent.

    Exercise improves blood flow to the brain, increases oxygen supply, promotes neurotrophic factor production (which aids in cell growth), improves vascular function, boosts endorphins (feel-good chemicals), decreases cortisol (stress hormone), prevents diabetes (a risk factor for dementia), enhances neurotransmitter levels like serotonin (improving mood), reduces amyloid plaque buildup associated with Alzheimer’s disease, slows early forms of memory loss like subjective cognitive decline and mild cognitive impairment, improves brain cell metabolism and removes cellular debris. With all of these benefits, you can see how important getting regular exercise is.

    Exercise has also been found to be effective against depression – another major risk factor for Alzheimer’s – by reducing depressive symptoms through increased endorphin release.

    The hippocampus region of the brain is particularly influenced by physical activity. This seahorse-shaped structure controls our long-term and short-term memory as well as spatial navigation abilities. The size of this region determines whether we experience age-related memory loss or dementia; it typically shrinks about 1 percent a year after age 30.

    However, studies have shown that engaging in regular physical activity can increase hippocampal volume even later in life—reversing two years’ worth of age-related decline with just one year of exercise.

    It’s important to note that sedentary lifestyles double your risk for dementia compared to those who engage in regular physical activity. Lack of exercise negatively impacts blood flow and cognitive function. It is vitally important to get your blood moving on a regular basis.

    What types and how much exercise do we need?

    We should all be doing at least 2.5 hours of moderate aerobic exercise or 1.5 hours of strenuous aerobic exercise, plus two strength building workouts every week on a consistent basis. In addition, we should be performing some kind of balance/gait training to help prevent falls (click HERE for examples).

    Consistency is key – make sure you create an achievable routine that you can stick with. It is okay to start small, even just a 5-minute walk if that is all you can do. Your endurance will increase the more consistently you do it. Exercise should become a lifelong habit rather than a quick fix. Although starting earlier offers more substantial benefits, consistent effort at any age will still yield positive results.

    Conclusion:

    • Exercise stimulates neurogenesis (creation of new cells) which reduces cognitive decline.
    • Aerobic exercises promote better blood flow/oxygen/glucose supply supporting mental functioning.
    • Strength-training increases muscle mass while improving vascular function/memory/mood etc.
    • Activity helps prevent diabetes—another major Alzheimer’s risk factor—and reduces depressive symptoms
    • Regular movement prevents falls/improves balance/prevents injuries
    • Ultimately exercising not only benefits our bodies but also improves brain health and function. It wards off degenerative diseases including Alzheimers & Dementia. It is the best thing you can do for Alzheimer’s prevention, and best of all it’s never too late to exercise consistently!

    Some other recommendations:

    Kris Carr has a great new podcast episode about making small but significant changes toward new habits. You can find it HERE.

    All you could ever want to know about exercise and Alzheimer’s Prevention HERE.

    A recent study about the incredible benefit of eating CARROTS.

    As a followup to my supplements and adaptogens e-mail, you may want to look at my blog post about prescription medications and nutrient depletion.

  • Prescription Medications and Nutrient Depletion

    If you take prescription medications, you may not be aware that they could be depleting your body of vital nutrients. The impact of medication on nutrient levels is often overlooked, but it can have significant consequences for your health. In this blog post, we’ll explore the relationship between prescription medications and nutrient depletion, common nutrients that are affected, and strategies for managing and preventing nutrient depletion.

    Understanding Nutrient Depletion from Prescription Medications

    Prescription medications can have a direct impact on the absorption of essential nutrients in the body. Some drugs interfere with the digestive process, while others may increase excretion or decrease absorption of specific vitamins or minerals. This can lead to deficiencies over time if not addressed.

    Commonly Affected Nutrients

    Several key nutrients are commonly depleted by prescription medications. For example, proton pump inhibitors (PPIs), which are commonly prescribed for acid reflux, can reduce stomach acid production and hinder the absorption of vitamin B12, calcium, iron, and magnesium. Diuretics often prescribed for high blood pressure can deplete potassium as well as magnesium.

    Managing Nutrient Depletion

    It’s important to be proactive about managing nutrient depletion caused by prescription medications to support overall health and well-being.

    Dietary Strategies

    One way to help prevent nutrient depletion is by eating a balanced diet rich in fruits, vegetables, whole grains, lean proteins, healthy fats like avocados or nuts – all these provide essential vitamins and minerals that could be affected by medication use.  See my previous blog post on Alzheimer’s prevention for more suggestions.

    Supplementation Options

    In some cases where dietary changes aren’t sufficient to replenish depleted nutrients due to medication use, supplements might be necessary to counteract any potential deficiencies.

    Conclusion

    Prescription medications play an important role in treating various conditions, but it’s crucial to consider their potential effects on nutrient levels. Nutrient depletion from medication use can lead to serious health issues.  Fortunately we can minimize this risk by following a healthy diet and/or by taking supplements.

    In subsequent blog posts I’ll be providing more information about specific medications and their nutrient depleting effects.

  • Alzheimer’s Prevention – Nutrition

    This week’s topic in our ongoing  exploration of Alzheimer’s prevention is NUTRITION.

    Research into Alzheimer’s prevention has shown a significant impact of nutrition on the preservation of mental function as we age.  Studies have shown that lifestyle changes, specifically dietary changes, have a significant effect on preventing Alzheimer’s disease and preserving cognitive function as we age.

    We used to believe that our genes in large part determined our health and future development of disease. However, research in the past few years in the field of epigenomics has revealed that the expression of our genes is determined by the environment in which our cells live. The great news here is that our lifestyle choices can actually change our health for the better.

    Unfortunately, the average American adult consumes significantly too much unhealthy fat, added sugar, red meat, processed foods and soda. These types of foods trigger the release of the hormones adrenaline and cortisol which are damaging to the body, especially to the brain. This high consumption of unhealthy foods together with low consumption of healthy foods high in antioxidants and polyphenols contributes to cognitive decline.

    By comparison, studies done on diets in the regions of “Blue Zones” in the world (Ikaria, Greece, Nicoya peninsula of Costa Rica and Okinawa, Japan) have shown significant increases in longevity as well as preservation of cognitive function.  These diets are all high in fruits, vegetables and healthy grains and contain limited or no meat.  A study done at UCLA in 2014 showed that memory loss could be reversed using a lifestyle-based therapeutic program with a comprehensive change to the diet.  Another study at Rush University showed that participants (average age 81 ) who adhered to a healthy nutrition plan had a significantly reduced risk of dementia.

    Several types of eating plans have been studied to see if they could be helpful in prevention of Alzheimer’s disease.

    These are the Mediterranean dietDASH diet for lowering blood pressure, the MIND diet, ketogenic diet, gluten free diet, and vegetarian diets. 

    The Mediterranean diet was found to be highly beneficial in prevention of cognitive decline. Not only was the healthy food largely responsible for this decline but also the focus on being together with family and being in touch with nature was determined to be a factor.

    The DASH diet was determined to be beneficial as well, largely due to the dietary shift from high fat, high sugar, and high red meat. The reduction in blood pressure as well was determined to significantly decrease the risk of Alzheimer’s.

    Although the MIND diet showed some benefit, it was found to recommend too many grains to be highly effective in prevention. This was thought to be largely due to the increase in blood sugar due to high intake of carbohydrates.

    Although ketogenic diets were found to have some advantages for memory, these diets are difficult to maintain and long term risks are unknown.  In particular, carbohydrates are needed for optimal health of the body and brain.  In addition, studies clearly suggest that diets high in saturated fat are not healthy in the long run.  However, ketones produced in this type of diet have been found to be protective for brain cells and also improve function of the mitochondria in the cells (the energy power plants within the cell).  Additionally, ketones have been found to decrease the accumulation of beta amyloid deposits in the brain.  Research is underway to determine whether a revised form of this diet may be beneficial.

    Gluten free diets have not been shown to specifically reduce Alzheimer’s risk.  A study done by the Mayo Clinic found that a high carbohydrate diet increased the risk for mild cognitive impairment by 89%. Gluten free diets tend to lower blood sugar levels and it is thought that this effect may improve overall health. 

    Vegetarian and vegan diets tend to decrease the incidence of both heart disease and cancer.  They may have some protective effect for developing Alzheimer’s.  However, the lack of consumption of meat and fish can be a concern as these diets tend to be missing in nutrients that are important for the health of the brain long term. This may be offset with supplementation of missing nutrients.

    The most important takeaways from all of the above types of diets is that it is important to avoid a diet high in trans fat and saturated fat. These fats, such as those from animal products (especially red meats), cause inflammation and produce free radicals.  Free radicals are a normal by-product of metabolism, but in high quantities they can damage and even kill valuable brain cells.

    Eating foods that are high in antioxidants like vitamins C and E is a wonderful natural way to eliminate free radicals from your body. In a similar way, scientists believe that a large intake of fruits and vegetables, eating fish rich in omega-3 oils and vegetarian protein substitutes (such as soy) are protective against memory loss.

    What is the ideal diet for Alzheimer’s Prevention?

    The ideal Alzheimer’s prevention diet includes the following:

    • 20% “good” fats. Items in this group include extra virgin olive oil, avocado, and flax seed oil
    • 40% lean proteins. Look to include fish, chicken, turkey, and soy on a daily basis.
    • 40% complex carbohydrates. Discover the rewards of a rainbow of fresh vegetables, whole grains, legumes, and fresh fruits.
    • Superfoods for the brain – as much as you want! These superfoods, including blueberries, greens, avocados, salmon and nuts have high amounts of antioxidants and protect your brain

    Remember, perfection is not the goal. Any small improvement you can make in your diet will benefit you.

    For this week, try adding some superfoods to your diet.  These could be berries, greens and healthy oils, specifically extra virgin olive oil. Try making a dinner salad daily and using olive oil instead of dressing. This can be as simple as some red leaf lettuce, some chopped celery and green peppers, sliced scallion, radishes and carrots.  Or try adding some blueberries to your morning granola or cereal. 

    Next week we will look at recommended supplements and gut health. 

  • 8 Ways to Manage Stress for a Healthier Life

    Have you ever been told that you need to reduce your stress level or it will damage your health?

    When it comes to reducing stress, it’s essential to prioritize our physical and mental well-being. In today’s fast-paced world, stress has become an almost inevitable part of our lives. However, there are various strategies we can implement to effectively manage and alleviate stress levels. Here are some practical techniques that can help you reduce stress:

    1. Practice deep breathing: Deep breathing exercises promote relaxation by calming your mind and body. Whenever you feel overwhelmed, take a few minutes to focus on your breath—inhale deeply through your nose, hold for a few seconds, then exhale slowly through your mouth.  You can also try the 4-2-6 technique from Calm.

    2. Engage in regular physical activity: Exercise is a powerful tool for combatting stress. Engaging in activities like jogging, yoga, or even taking brief walks outside can release endorphins, which are natural mood lifters that reduce stress hormones.  Yoga teacher Brett Larkin offers free yoga videos of all lengths and difficulty levels on her YouTube channel.

    3. Establish a routine: Having a structured routine can provide stability and minimize feelings of chaos or uncertainty in daily life. Plan out your day with designated time slots for work/study, leisure activities, exercise breaks, meals, and sufficient sleep.

    4. Practice mindfulness meditation: Mindfulness meditation involves focusing one’s attention on the present moment without judgment or attachment to thoughts or worries about the past or future. Regular practice can enhance self-awareness and help calm an overactive mind. 

    Insight timer offers many different types of meditations for beginners to advanced meditators, as well as music or sounds only. 

    5. Prioritize self-care: Allow yourself time each day for activities that bring you joy and relaxation—a warm bath, reading a book you love, listening to music—whatever helps rejuvenate your mind and body.

    6. Reach out for social support: Sharing your thoughts and feelings with trusted friends or family members can relieve emotional tension significantly while providing perspective on stressful situations.

    7. Implement time management techniques: Effective time management reduces stress caused by feeling overwhelmed with tasks or deadlines; prioritize tasks based on importance/urgency using methods like the Eisenhower Matrix (dividing tasks into four categories: urgent/important/not urgent/not important) to improve productivity while minimizing anxiety levels.

    8.Cultivate healthy habits: Getting enough sleep (ideally 7-9 hours per night), eating balanced nutritious meals regularly rather than relying on processed foods or excessive caffeine/sugar intakes help maintain steady energy levels throughout the day while enhancing overall well-being.

    Remember that reducing stress is an ongoing process; finding what works best for you might require some experimentation along the way! By incorporating these strategies into your daily routine gradually though consistently will lead you towards leading a more peaceful life amidst all challenges you may face 

  • Fred Rogers on Quiet

    Fred Rogers on Quiet

    In an interview, Fred Rogers, from Mister Roger’s Neighborhood, once said,

    “I’m very concerned that our society is much more interested in information than wonder – in noise, rather than silence. I don’t think we give that gift, the gift of silence… How do we encourage reflection? Oh my, this is a noisy world. I get up every morning at least by 5 am. I have a couple of hours of quiet time, reflect about what is important. What can we do to encourage people to have more quiet time in their lives, more silence? Real revelation comes through silence.”

    Truth, more often than not, comes in through quiet.

  • Staying Serene This Holiday Season

    As we head into the official holiday season next week, many of us may be starting to feel anxiety about family interactions.  Let’s put COVID aside for now and talk about how you can prepare and handle stress during the holidays.

    Although Norman Rockwell paintings have put forth the idea of the gloriously happy family, very few of us have really experienced this.  More often than not, family gatherings involve a mix of personalities and behaviors that can take even the most evolved and grown-up version of ourselves and within minutes transform it into one that more accurately reflects a two-year-old having a temper tantrum.  The truth of the matter is that the ideal family mostly exists only in the collective brainwashing we have all experienced when it comes to what our family should be like.

    How can you prepare yourself to increase the probability that you will be able to stay serene and happy during the holidays, despite the family dynamics that will inevitably develop?

    First of all, just like the lecture you get at the beginning of any airplane flight, take care of yourself before taking care of anyone else.

    This means the usual things:

    • Get enough sleep more often than not
    • Eat more healthy food than sugary, rich food
    • Move your body
    • Get some fresh air
    • Meditate or just close your eyes for a minute and breathe
    • Limit alcohol consumption

    Just try to do the best you can with these things, as being too restrictive can also add to your stress if you beat yourself up for not being perfect.

    When visiting (either virtually or in-person), if you feel yourself getting stressed, give yourself the two-year-old’s best remedy – take a time out.  Get yourself away from the situation.  Make that sudden “urgent phone call” (otherwise known as getting away from everyone for a few minutes), get outside for a walk, volunteer to pick up something from the store.  Take a few minutes by yourself to breathe and remind yourself there are other things in your life besides what is going on with your family.  Allow yourself to have this time to get a bigger perspective.

    And maybe the most important thing of all is this:  Have realistic expectations.  Family dynamics that are dysfunctional for most of the year will not miraculously transform into that Norman Rockwell painting just because everyone is together for a holiday.  When you add overeating, alcohol, lack of sleep and excessive sugar to an already tenuous dynamic it only spells trouble.

    Before the holiday season officially starts next week, take a few minutes to think about what is realistic, given your family, COVID restrictions and how holidays have been in the past.  Expect that there will be tension and maybe even craziness.  Try to look at it as a chance to see how good you are at staying grounded.  And if everything goes downhill and your holiday gathering looks more like “Meet the Fockers” than “It’s a Wonderful Life”, don’t worry, your family is more normal than you think.

  • Navigating Change

    Navigating Change

    I’ve always loved the wind.  I have vivid memories of times in my life when wind served as the background to changes that were happening in my life, when it seemed that the wind was carrying me, sometimes kicking and screaming, to a new way of being.  Humans have always had a connection to wind.  Wind brings storms and changes in the weather.  And throughout our history wind carried ships across oceans and suddenly there were new discoveries and change.

    Change can be hard.  No matter what, even if we’re looking for something new, we can meet resistance.  And we can struggle.

    Sometimes change happens quickly.  Or does it really?  I think of the way a baby develops over the first year or two of its life.  Today they can’t sit up yet.  And suddenly they can.  Today they are crawling all over the place and suddenly they stand up.  Did the change really happen suddenly or was there a lot going on before the change could happen?

    I personally believe that change takes a long time but then when it happens it is sudden.  And in that before period, that period of uncertainty, things can feel pretty darn uncomfortable.  Unbearable sometimes.  Right before a baby achieves another milestone, like walking for instance, there is a period where they are so cranky and irritable that they seriously test your patience.  But then suddenly they achieve whatever they’ve been trying to do and they are gloriously happy and full of energy for a period of time … until they get close to the next milestone.

    I see this growth in babies as an example of how growth happens for all of us.  If you look back over your life, you will probably see that times when you’ve really struggled, when you were filled with anxiety or depression or just plain exhaustion, there was a reason for it.  And afterward, when things changed in a positive way you had renewed energy for your life.  Whenever we are in a period of change, or when we need to make a change, when things are not working in our lives for one reason or another, the anxiety and depression come in to force us to stop and take a look.  It’s like they are there to get our attention when we’re in denial that something needs to change in our lives.

    As uncomfortable as anxiety and depression can be, I believe they serve this purpose for us.  We as a species are generally very resistant to change.  Most of us like to be able to count on certain things happening in our lives, our routines, the people we see, our work schedule, etc.  We can go for long periods of time thinking things are okay and rationalizing dysfunction.  For some people this goes on for a lifetime.  But for some of us something starts to nag at us, starts to feel not okay.  We start to feel a sense of unease or discomfort about our life.  If we are lucky we pay attention at this point, but if we ignore how we feel the anxiety and depression can slowly creep in.

    When we finally acknowledge that something in our life isn’t working, it can feel like things fall apart.  But just like a caterpillar in a chrysalis, where from the outside it looks like nothing is going on, on the inside the caterpillar is slowly making incredible, almost magical changes.  This is the period of the in between, the slowly gathering energy of change.  It is an important, often overlooked but necessary period that the caterpillar must go through in order to materialize its destiny as a butterfly.  And just like the caterpillar, there is no shortcut around this process for us.  In order to evolve and become what we are meant to become, in order to live our lives fully, sometimes we have to allow ourselves to be in this in-between.  It is the preparation for the sudden change.

Serene Life Way Blog

Practical wisdom and warmth for mind, mood, and healthy aging.

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