We’ve all been there.  We’re having a great day, the sun is shining, birds are singing.  The weather outside and inside is just great, life is calm and peaceful.

Suddenly, without any warning, something abruptly disrupts our peace of mind.  It could be something we hear on the news, our teenager snaps at us, our partner makes an innocent comment that hits that sore spot.

There it is in a flash!  ANGER!!!  It takes a hold of us and we are off to the races, reactively defending ourselves, our thoughts taken over by what seems like a monstrous demon.  The anger picks up more and more steam, ultimately ending up sending us over the edge into saying something that we can’t even believe is coming out of our own mouth.  What in the world just happened?!

Anger is something all of us struggle with.  Of all of the emotions, it can be one of the most difficult to handle.  Once it takes a hold, the energy within it is all consuming, making it difficult to access our rational brain.  It can be extremely difficult if not impossible to let it go.

Anger starts in the section of the brain called the amygdala, which stimulates another section of the brain, the hypothalamus, much like in the fear response.  The amygdala is the part of the brain responsible for processing emotions, while the hypothalamus, as one of its functions, controls the release of hormones from the pituitary gland.  Research suggests that information about a potential threat in the environment can reach the amygdala before we are even consciously aware that there is a threat.  This means that our body is flooded by stress hormones, such as adrenaline, before we know what hit us.

So that is not really good news.  We probably like to think of ourselves as calm, thoughtful people but in an instant our minds can be hijacked and allow our worst traits to emerge.

So what can we do?

If you look closely, you will see that behind anger there is always another emotion.  Anger tends to be a default response for many of us to a perceived threat to our self-defined ego.  In a lot of ways, we don’t really hate being angry.  Anger gives us energy, power, clarity (at the time) and courage to say things we otherwise wouldn’t say – even if we regret saying them later.  Anger certainly doesn’t feel vulnerable to most of us.  It is a protective emotion.

Next time, after your anger has resolved, think back to the situation that triggered the anger.  Maybe the news story that triggered you actually first made you feel grief, for instance.  Grief is not usually an emotion that is associated with control, it doesn’t feel good or safe for a lot of us.  There is no solution for it.  So our minds might quickly move from the feeling of grief to anger in an effort to feel safer.  Maybe the argument with your teenager triggered feelings of insecurity or brought back an emotion from your own adolescence.  The comment your partner made might have triggered feelings of hurt or betrayal.  There is always another feeling that comes first.

Looking closely and staying aware of  these rapid shifts can help us to gain insight into our vulnerabilities and allow us to access that split second of time between trigger and response, which is where our true power lies.

Did you know that any emotion we experience lasts for only a few seconds?

Hard to believe, right?

It’s true.  In neuroscientist Jill Bolte-Taylor’s memoir, My Stroke of Insight, she notes that the physiological lifespan of an emotion in the body and brain is 90 seconds. The sensations—adrenaline, heat in the face, tightness in the throat, rapid heartbeat—arise, peak and go away on their own.

I know it doesn’t feel like that could possibly be true.  But if you really think about it, you’ll realize that it’s not the actual emotion that lasts longer than that, it’s the story we tell ourselves about it that causes it to grow.

Let’s look at a possible scenario:

Let’s suppose that someone criticizes you.  No one likes to be criticized.  You’re likely to feel hurt by the criticism. But then you remember the time someone criticized you before and how mad you got.  You felt awful and it took you a long time to feel better about yourself. Then you get angry because the person that criticized you wasn’t any better than you, if you could tell them what irritated you about them they would feel what you feel ….. and the story goes on and on until you’re so mad you can’t think about anything else except how unfair this all was!

It’s the story, not the event, that triggers the lasting emotion.

You get the picture?  Did the initial emotion of feeling hurt really last longer than the initial 90 seconds?  Or did the emotion grow stronger and continue on and on because of the story that you were telling  yourself?

There’s good news here

The good news is that we can consciously work on choosing not to allow our thoughts to move into a story when an emotion is triggered.  We can choose to recognize the emotion and let it go or simply tell ourselves another story.  Instead of ruminating about how unfair the criticism was or what a horrible person they were, we could tell ourselves something like, “I’m going to tell myself a new story.  Whether or not their criticism is justified, I can choose to let the thought go.”

When we actively work on reframing our thoughts and choosing more positive, empowering thoughts, we gradually gain more and more control over how we feel.  We no longer feel like we are at the mercy of any negative event that happens to us. We can choose to simply move on without feeling reactive defensiveness or needing to judge.  We get our lives back.

Managing mental health can be challenging enough, nevermind during a pandemic. While socializing might be off the table, getting back to nature is encouraged.

Getting outside can help ease the stresses of the day and lighten our dark moods. Whether you go for a walk or run to take exercise outside or work in the garden, it will definitely help your mood.

Countless studies have shown that spending time outside has major mental health benefits. The sounds, the smells, and the feel of the sun or a warm breeze makes you feel better.

It has the ability to make you feel lighter. Being outside in nature has a very positive effect on anxiety, depression, and even issues like headaches and irritability.

It can also help you if you have been feeling disconnected lately, whether from people or a disconnect from reality. In difficult times, we tend to see things differently, which can get confusing.

There are other benefits of being out in nature that have positive effects on the brain. It can calm you during a stressful time, boost your energy, and help you sleep. It can also help people who are grieving and coping with loss.

Let Nature Help

It also doesn’t have to be a lot of work. Start your day by having your coffee on your balcony or front porch. If you have been feeling cooped up because you have been working from home, move your workspace outside.

Start your morning with a brisk walk around your own neighborhood or a local park. It will get your heart pumping and get you moving. Breath deeply and enjoy your space. Take notice of the beauty around you.

Take a walk through a park or the woods, if possible. The smell of nature has an amazing power to calm your mind.  Often, just getting away from the city noises and smells will make a big improvement.

A bike will help you get back outside and get some exercise. You can discover trails and areas of your city that you may not be familiar with. Using your bike instead of your car or public transportation is a great way to embrace the great outdoors.

If you have a dog, increase their walks. They will love it and it is a great way to meet others who have something in common with you. There are plenty of dog parks where you can engage with your pet and enjoy the fresh air.

Consider going camping. You can find a nice camping area near you to really get back to nature and enjoy the fresh air. Chopping wood, cooking over a fire, and sleeping in a tent or camper makes you very aware of the beauty around you.

Trust Your Mother Nature

Any bad mood or mental health concern can be improved greatly by spending time outside. Walk to the grocery store, move your home office to your balcony, or just talk a walk. Embrace Mother Nature for your own good.

Many people are brought up to always be kind to others. But how many of us were taught to be kind to ourselves? Self-compassion, or self-love, can often seem like a foreign concept, particularly to those raised in an abusive or unloving home.

Self- compassion and self-love are not to be confused with arrogance or conceit, which are usually indicators of a lack of self-love. Self-compassion has nothing to do with faux superiority and everything to do with being kind and gentle with oneself. It allows us to treat ourselves as we do our greatest loved ones. Instead of harshly judging ourselves for any personal shortcomings, we can instead give ourselves unconditional love and acceptance.

Why is Self-Compassion Important?

Over the last decade, research has shown a correlation between self-compassion and overall psychological well-being. Self-compassion helps us recognize the difference between making a bad choice and being a bad person. It also helps us have greater connections with others and less depression, anxiety, and fear of failure.

A lack of self-compassion can take a toll on our personal and romantic relationships. How we treat ourselves is typically an indicator of how we let others treat us. The less love and compassion we have for ourselves the more likely we end up in abusive and dysfunctional relationships. But, when we have self-compassion, we are less likely to depend on others to validate our self-worth or “complete us.”

Here are 3 ways you can begin practicing self-compassion:

1. Treat Yourself as You Would a Small Child

You would never treat a small child the way you may sometimes treat yourself. You wouldn’t call a child “stupid” for making a poor decision. And you certainly wouldn’t tell them they are unlovable and “will wind up alone forever.”

It may be hard treating yourself with such kindness in the beginning because you are not used to it. But in those moments, decide to treat yourself as you would a child and much progress will be made.

2. Practice Mindfulness

Self-criticism is a mental habit. In order to replace self-criticism with self-compassion, we must practice mindfulness.

When you find yourself caught up in that negative noise and mind chatter, stop, take a deep breath, and refocus your thoughts on something more positive about yourself. What qualities do you like about yourself? What have you done recently that you feel proud about? It can be anything, “I am always on time,” or, “I made the cashier smile.”

When you do find yourself having negative thoughts, DO NOT chastise yourself for having them. Thank those negative thoughts and tell them you no longer need them, then send them on their way to make room for positivity.

3. Give Yourself Permission to Be Human

At the end of the day, self-compassion is about being okay with our own humanity. It’s important to recognize that being human means being flawed, and that’s okay. You and the rest of the world have imperfections in common.

Give yourself permission to make mistakes and accept yourself, warts and all. You’ll be pleasantly surprised how much lighter and happier you will feel.

While it’s incredibly important to learn self-compassion, it’s not always easy cultivating new thought and behavioral patterns on your own. A therapist can give you the support, encouragement and guidance you need to help you make these positive changes in your life.

If you or a loved one has struggled with self-compassion and would like to speak with someone, please give me a call. Let’s discuss how I may best be able to help.